i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I need a burrito and a hug.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
