Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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