I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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