am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
