God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
My breath smells like gin and sadness
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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