So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
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Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
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We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize