When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
