So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
