i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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