I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
