Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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