He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
When did angry sex become our thing?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
