I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
