i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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