bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Randomize
