I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
