ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
