I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
