Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
