if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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