I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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