Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
