Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
