My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
