My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
