What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
