alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
