This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
