you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
