I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
No stitches, just platelets and will power
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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