Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
She said her name was "party"
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
