Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
