i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
