mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
