dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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