If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
