nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
