Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
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