Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
