I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
