I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
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if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
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When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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