Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
