i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
