I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
