I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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