my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
