yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
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I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
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You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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