it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
