Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
