She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
