I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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