im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
