i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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