oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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