i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
