he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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