having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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