dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
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