where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
