ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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